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What Healthy Self-Esteem Looks Like

Can you see self-esteem? Yes, you can.

Just as you can see whether a body is basically healthy or basically sick by looking at it for signs of health or sickness that manifest themselves in the physical form, so you can see whether a person’s self-esteem is basically healthy or basically sick by looking at the physical manifestations of self-esteem.

The following table summarizes some of the visible characteristics or external expressions of healthy self-esteem and unhealthy self-esteem:

Healthy Self-Esteem	Unhealthy Self-Esteem
Eyes are alert, bright and focused. A face that is relaxed and has good skin tone, a relaxed jaw and neck.	Eyes are cloudy and darting. Face, jaw and neck are tense.
Good posture, stands erect, eyes looking forward. Looks people in the eyes with ease. Ease of movement and spontaneity reflecting that there is peace rather than war going on inside.	Poor posture- slumping, hunching. Head and eyes downcast. Avoids direct eye contact, voice is timid. Awkward, stiff movement.
Relaxed and graceful walking gate, purposeful, but not hurried or overbearing or halting or dragging.	Tense and stiff. Hurried and frazzled. Overbearing and aggressive walking gate or slouching, halting, timid walking gate.
Ease of talking of both accomplishments and shortcomings with directness and honesty because the self-esteem is independent of either.	Boasting, comparing oneself to others- either positively or negatively. Self-esteem is dependent upon how one “stacks up” against others.
Comfortable both giving and receiving praise or appreciation. Doesn’t criticize or demean others or self.	Uncomfortable giving or receiving praise or appreciation. Overly self-critical or critical and demeaning of others.
Open to receiving criticism and feedback- actively seeks feedback and acknowledges and fixes mistakes. Self-esteem is not tied to an image of being perfect or even excellent.	Avoids whenever possible getting feedback from others, resents feedback or criticism when it does happen. Seeks to hide or deny mistakes and blame others for results that are different than desired. Self-esteem is tied to self-image of perfectionism or to what we think others think of us.
Open to and curious about new ideas, experiences and possibilities. Flexible as to how things should be. Doesn’t get upset when things go differently than planned.	Closed and inflexible to new ideas, experiences and possibilities. Gets upset when things don’t go as planned.
Language uses positive words of gratitude for the past, peace in the present and confidence in the future. Even in conditions of stress, there is a sense of dignity and harmony language and confidence that all will work out for the best.	Language uses words of regret and resentment for the past, exhaustion and intimidation in the present and fear and anxiety for the future. In stressful conditions the “woe is me” comes out in language.
Speaks in terms of experiencing joy and happiness. Seeks self-expression and is driven by joy.	Speaks in terms of avoiding suffering or pain. Seeks self-avoidance is driven by fear.
Doesn’t avoid facing up to weaknesses or mistakes. Not concerned with self-justification. “I am the problem, therefore I am the solution.”	Avoids facing up to weaknesses or mistakes, seeks self-justification. “It’s not me that’s the problem, it’s _______”.

You may have noticed a pattern in the above table. Healthy self-esteem is centered, grounded, very much the “middle road” whereas unhealthy self-esteem can manifest itself in either the manic or the depressive state depending upon the individual or the circumstances. On the depressive side, low self-esteem shows up in expressions of timidity, shyness, self-demeaning talk and a “stuck” state of little action. On the manic side, low self-esteem shows up in aggressiveness, in competitiveness, in being overbearing, bossy and controlling- things that on the surface might be mistaken as signs of high self-esteem or high self-image, but are really signs of an unhealthy mind (low self-esteem).

So today, take a few moments to review the table of what healthy self-esteem looks like, only this time, be compassionately honest with yourself. Have your Self be the coach of your self. Ask your self the following questions:

- “Based on the principles outlined in this table, on a scale of 1-100, how healthy is my self-esteem right now?”

- “How do I exhibit signs of unhealthy self-esteem in my life? Do I tend more toward the manic or the depressive?”

- “Am I willing to take up daily practices that will improve the health of my self-esteem?

The goal here is awareness, not perfection or solving all our problems- just being more aware of how unhealthy self-esteem tends to show up in our lives- so we can see it when it’s happening instead of being blind to it. This awareness is a critical first step, because we can’t improve what we don’t think needs improving. On the other hand, we might be all too aware of our unhealthy self-esteem. If that is the case, the goal is not to let the self demean and belittle itself even more, but to accept what is now and know that it doesn’t have to stay that way and by taking on the various practices that contribute to healthy self-esteem, we can and will improve our self-esteem.

For me, when my self-esteem gets "sick"- when the health of my mind deteriorates, I tend more towards the depressive side. I compare myself negatively to others I think are accomplishing more than I am. I see people my age or younger that I percieve have more of something than I do and I can start getting down on myself. When I do receive praise, I tend to diminish it or not acknowledge it as real. "No, really, it's not all that, I'm just an amateur." I also tend to avoid seeking feedback from others, or confronting issues head on.

Everyone is a little different, and we all have work to do to improve the health of our mind. Again, the important thing at this stage is to become more aware, more conscious of how we exhbit syptoms of "sick" self-esteem. Then we can notice it when it's happening and take a step back and watch it happen- seeing it for what it is. From this position of increased detachment, or increased witnessing, we can begin to do something about it, instead of just blindly reacting and not being aware of what's really going on.

Understanding Self-Esteem

Is Self Esteem A Birthright?

John Groberg writes on a wide variety of topics related to personal and spiritual growth. His slogan is Grow. By Choice™. His articles draw out principles of personal and spiritual growth common to the world’s ancient wisdom and spiritual texts as well as many of the great philosophers, poets, and writers of ancient and modern times. These principles are then put to the test in his own life with an emphasis on simple, sustainable practices we can apply in our daily lives to more effectively deal with the stresses and struggles of modern life and to more fully realize the benefits of deliberate growth. John developed a model called the Divine-Align-Shine model as a way of visually organizing the principles, practices and the overall process of personal and spiritual growth. His writings are cataloged and organized on his website, www.johngroberg.com where contact information is available.